This Is Not Your Home
The mirror mocks and teases, marring the image I see. Impossible to silence the voices in my head that scream louder and louder, I shut my eyes in an attempt to settle the thoughts. This; however, only serves to fuel the flames and a fire storm of emotions flood my senses.
Images dance in my mind of the woman I long to be, which is anything other then what the reflection displays. Snapshots of smoother skin without wrinkle, blemish or stretch marks float in my brain. Beautiful curves, flat stomach and toned muscles tease, as I’m reminded of all the things I am not. Streaks of silver within my brunette hair, lines creased across my forehead and smile marks that remain even when my facial expression is stoic, remind me of the years that continue to roll along, dragging me with them.
Oh, but wait- outward appearance is only the beginning, as the battle within my mind grows into a war that marches in relentless pursuit of new territory to conquer. “Skills you say? Talents and abilities? Ha! Don’t you know you are worthless, lacking in all areas of creativity and drive? Stop kidding yourself. You are completely incompetent and unable to accomplish anything.” The urge to cower in defeat becomes overwhelming as the chatter between my ears remains deafening.
Dare I name this sensation that weighs so heavy on my chest, making it difficult to breathe? Do I acknowledge these feelings that wash over me like a massive wave, seeking to drag me under? Thoughts I have dealt with for as long as I can remember, even as a child, haunting me without peace. The darkness seems to sneer, as if it knows something I do not. Captivity to emotions is a very strange prison indeed, especially when the chains are weighty and ponderous some days, yet remain elusive others.
Insecurity is a nightmarish beast.
Throughout the years of working in women’s ministry, I have found that I am not alone in the struggle with crippling self-doubt. It has been the cause of much of my life’s worst decisions, driven by an insatiable lust to feel “enough.” Can anyone else relate? So how do we behead the beast and regain peace over the lands of our heart and mind? We battle lies with Truth, combat darkness using blinding Light and we do it daily.
You have heard me say multiple times in previous posts to dig into scripture and write truth down on sticky notes or index cards and put them places where you can read them over and over. There is power in the Word of God to drive away the darkest of thoughts. Are you using the sword you have been given?
“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” -Psalm 139:13-14
“Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” -Matthew 10:31
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” -2 Corinthians 12:9
“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” -Galatians 2:20
“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female He created them.” -Genesis 1:27
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” -Isaiah 41:10
This is but a minuscule snapshot of the truth the Lord can and will use to heal your fractured mind. I praise Him for the work He has done in me through the years and continues to perform in an ongoing process. I do not struggle, as I once did, with debilitating doubts that left me paralyzed most days, praise God! However, at times, some situations still arise, causing my thoughts to find their way back into the old, dark dungeons of my past, with the sound of chains reverberating against the walls of my heart as they advance, hoping to bind me once more.
Recently, I had one such encounter while at the salon, of all places. As my hair dresser was cleaning up the shampoo bowl area, I went to sit back at her station and wait. With a large mirror in front of your face, it’s difficult to ignore one’s reflection and I began to focus on all the things I disliked as I stared at the glass. In mid-thought, the Holy Spirit broke through and said, “This is not your home.” I froze and looked deeply into the hazel, green eyes of the woman in front of me.
“This is not your home.” I repeated, searching for meaning. I know that verse, quite well, but I had never thought of it in that context. The writer of Hebrews in chapter 13 verse 14 tells us this current world is not where we are meant to spend eternity. We have an everlasting home coming, which is our hope as Christ followers. As I stared intently at my image, pondering on the scripture the Lord had spoken, I realized how self-absorbed I had been in that moment- worrying about things that do not matter and do not last.
In that beautiful instant of God’s grace upon me, a new truth overwhelmed the lies I was once again believing and repeating to myself. THIS IS NOT YOUR HOME, BRANDY! Just as the author of Hebrews urges the readers to not become hyper-focused on the world around them and to look beyond to what is next, I believe the Lord was telling me to stop fixating on my outer shell that will pass away and shift my attention from my face to His.
One of my favorite songs currently is “Made For More” by Jenn Johnson and Josh Baldwin. For me, this sums up the message I received that day while getting my hair done to hide those silver streaks. Stop worrying about this skeleton that will continue to grow old, Lord willing, and one day pass from this Earth. Yes, the wrinkles will continue to come. Yes, the skin will continue to sag. Yes, perimenopause will make you think you are living in an episode of the Twilight Zone with all the weird changes your body goes through. Who cares? When you are in Christ, you are made for more! All of this junk down here- including your body- is temporary, better days are coming!
“The darkness seems to sneer, as if it knows something I do not.” Why did I write this line earlier? Because it is a truth I learned from the years of battling my insecurity. The enemy does know something we do not- this is how he keeps us trapped in our stinkin’ thinkin’. He feeds us a steady diet of garbage about ourselves and we feast on it, sometimes daily. This places a hazy film over our eyes so we are blinded from reality. Why? Because the truth is, we are the beautiful Imago Dei- the image bearers of God. We should love the reflection in that mirror, because it reflects our Creator. Our abilities are also powerful weapons that the Lord wishes to wield against the forces of darkness. Your talents, when used for the Kingdom of God, are capable of destroying enemy strongholds.
He sneers, dear friends, because he knows the beauty and strength you carry, but when he has you suffocating under the weight of insecurity, you are rendered powerless- which is exactly where he wants and needs you to be. He cannot afford to have confident sons and daughters of the King of Kings running rampant, shining the light of Christ into his beloved darkness. He sneers, because he believes he has won.
So what if today, you decide to remove the heel of the devil from off your throat and in turn, place his head under your feet? Cease from focusing inward and shift your gaze outward and upward. Stand tall and strong on the power and truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the precepts of His Word.
What kind of earth shaking, revival would occur if the church body marched fearless in the face of hell itself, arms linked, determined and focused to pull another from the flames? This is the kind of determination we need in our congregations today. This is the tenacity we possess because of the blood of Jesus and the power of the cross! How about we turn that sneer of victory on Satan’s face, into a look of horror from his defeat.
Who’s with me?